Just Gonna Say It: The Double Cheeseburger Is The One True King Of Macca’s Burgs

I preface this entirely mild take by stating, for the record: This is not an ad. It’s not native content, it’s not cash-for-comment, it’s not ad copy, it’s nothing. It’s a purely organic, dumb idiot idea for an article, the likes of which can only come deep into a Friday when the call of the froth rings loud. I wish it were an ad. If Macca’s would like it to be an ad, it certainly can become one retroactively. I’m very easily bought off via cash and/or burgers. If they wish to shower me with either I certainly won’t say no.

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For the bulk of my adolescent and adult life I’ve been living a lie. That lie being that the Quarter Pounder – the heavyweight slugger – is the reigning and defending world champion of the McDonald’s menu.

It’s not. It’s not even close.

Only recently have I had the self-realisation that I have been a fool, an ass, a buffoon, and a wrong one at that when it comes to standardised Drive Thru practices.

The real market leader, the one true King, is the Double Cheeseburger.

Unlike its triple or singular compatriots, the Double Cheeseburger strikes a delicate balance no other burger on the menu comes close to achieving.

The cheese betwixt patties turns the otherwise nondescript cheeseburger into God-tier territory. Everything exists in pure harmony. The pickle, the sauce, the finely chopped onions. The Double Cheeseburger is a horny waltz with a toey god. And baby, he’s here to jack off your tastebuds.

The Double Cheeseburger achieves what its cousins simply cannot. In its solo form the cheeseburger is more bread than filling. In triplicate, it’s a precarious meaty Jenga tower, and I am a drunk baby with tubs for hands.

It solves every issue every other burger on the menu has: The Quarter Pounder that too often runs on the dry side, the Big Mac that forces you to wonder what the hell happens to those extra top bun halves, the Filet-O-Fish which is for serial killers only.

The Double Cheeseburger is king. It’s not even a close contest.

McDonald’s please pay me for this article.

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