Deep in the fiery pits of a Hell unimaginable resides all of the world’s most wretched, vile and extreme horrors. Horrors like Harry Styles‘ acting abilities or Scott Morrison. One such atrocity — deemed the most cursed of all — is the devon and tomato sauce sandwich. A ghastly creation made of pure sin.

Friends, enemies, it’s time we spoke about the Devon and tomato sauce sandwich. It’s something regarded as somewhat of an “Aussie classic”. I’m here to dismantle that argument and uproot your beliefs. Devon and tomato sauce sandwiches should not exist. They are blasphemous creations and quite frankly, they taste like garbage.

Made with white bread, Devon and tomato sauce (sometimes with a smear of butter as if that changes anything), this sandwich is somewhat of a soft spot for Aussies who used to eat it daily at school.

My Italian ass would come to school with a tub of leftover pasta and eat it cold. Until I saw it: the Devon and tomato sandwich.

Such pink, pristine meat. Such succulent-looking sauce. I went home and practically begged my mother to craft me one of these legendary sandwiches.

And so, she went into the forest with her cauldron and gathered the necessary ingredients: the souls of two innocent deer, ten poisonous mushrooms and the wart of a frog.

Soon after I went to school with my first Devon and tomato sandwich. The taste was… indescribable.

It was like biting into rancid ham that was somehow sweet. Or like seeing a tomato with a mouldy spot, covering the mouldy spot in a slice of thick meat and then diving in teeth first.

Nothing could have prepared me for how foul this sambo tasted.

Personally, I never wish to bite into one of these sandwiches again, even if I was offered an exorbitant amount of money. I just can’t do it.

I can understand that if for some, the hold that sweet childhood memories of this sandwich have on you is too strong. I get it, I really do.

I for one would like to forget this sandwich ever existed. It’s foul and wicked, and should never have been invented.

Image: Getty Images / George Mdivanian