As much as I’m a fierce advocate for autonomy and being able to make decisions for yourself, because hey we’re all adults here and we should be able to do that, some people should absolutely not be given the ability to make their own sandwich at a public food joint like Subway. Like at all, ever.

Subway have shared the most ungodly, deeply cursed orders that staff across Australia have had to deal with, and honestly some of these have the most chaotic energy I’ve ever seen, and I worked in a Maccas in the mid-00s, where people routinely ordered pounder burgers.

A lot of people out there love a tuna sub, mostly paired with a chicken schnitty. I mean a tuna sandwich (untoasted of course, you fucking heathens) is risky business if you’re in an office, but “meatball and tuna” or “bacon and egg and tuna” just sounds like a gaseous, floor-clearing fart waiting to happen.

Then some people just like to flirt harder with gastrointestinal danger, getting every single kind of sauce available. Kinda like that one kid who always got dared into putting every type of soft drink into one cup at the local Pizza Hut restaurant.

There’s always one, and my mouth already hates the idea of tzatziki mixed with honey mustard and habonero hot sauce. No THANKS.

Apparently there’s also some folk out there who, instead of having a sandwich and then a cookie after as a sweet little treat like a regular adult human, they like to smush it all together. They might say it’s for efficiency, or because they like the sweet and savoury combo, but it’s absolutely really because they are deeply crook.

Like a crushed up cookie toasted with cheese. Hard pass. Or a “BMT” (which I had to Google, and it stands for “Biggest Meatiest Tastiest”) with no salad, added jalapenos, which are squished between two cookies and eaten. Fuck. No.

Even just imagining a foot-long tuna sub with blue cheese, habanero hot sauce and a white choc-chip macadamia cookie added makes my stomach curdle and churn. Yuck. No. Tuna and blue cheese and habanero hot sauce and a cookie?

This is a very real order from a regular at the Huonville Subway in Tassie by the way, and if this person is you I really need to ask you some questions, beginning with ‘fucken WHY?’

Some folk like to keep it pretty simple which, fair play to them. Enlisting the same advice my sister once gave me about makeup – less is more – one regular at the Gawley shop in South Aus simply requests the Italian bread with nothing but olives and salt.

You simply cannot fault the low-key needs of this person. I must respect the olive bread wanter.

And finally, there’s one anonymous weirdo out there bravely (???) going against the laws of the whole Subway thing and bringing in their own ingredients.

One unknown store admitted that they bowed to the requests of this brain genious, and added his BYO Doritos to a steak and extra-cheese sub, and toasted it.

It’s a powerful move, no doubt about that, but also this person should just make a sandwich at home if they’re bringing self-sourced ingredients into play.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about humankind while reading through all of these, it’s that some people should really just stick to a set menu, and leave their fucken rank food decisions back in the safety of their homes.