I’m gonna be honest, I can’t recall a single time where I’ve gone to the cinemas without smuggling something to snack on in my discreet, cute backpack that my friends certainly don’t make fun of me for wearing 24/7.
I still buy popcorn and drinks — I’m not a total scab — but what am I supposed to do when that popcorn runs out around the six-minute mark? Stare at a movie without eating? Come on people, get some perspective.
My go-to non-cinema snack usually ranges from jerky to sliced ham, so when I call out weird food I’ve seen other people bring into the movies, I can assure you I’m not judging. We’re all in this food smuggling business together.
Have a look in shock and awe at the oddest selection of cinema grub I ever did see.
It’s only fair for me to call myself out before I start ragging on everyone else’s personal taste.
Yes, bringing sliced ham into a movie screening can be considered an interesting choice but I can confirm that I feel significantly less sick downing half a kilo of processed meat than I do an entire XL box of salty popcorn.
On some level, I’m aware of how peculiar the ham and cinema combo is. During a screening of A Simple Favour, a bunch of chatty high school girls were sitting behind me, so I simply kept my ham in my backpack out of fear they’d absolutely roast me for it.
No matter your age, high school students in groups of three-plus will always cause anxiety-induced sweating.
What can I say? People love their various cooked meats.
Personally, bringing a whole deli roast chicken into the cinemas is a little too far out of my league, purely because the smell is overwhelmingly pungent and you look like a damn psycho picking at a carcass throughout a screening of Finding Dory.
Again, not judging. Merely commenting on what I saw.
Admittedly, this is another ‘me’ one.
On one fateful night, before heading in to watch The Simpsons Movie, I panicked and made the ill-fated choice of purchasing Sakatas from the shops.
If you don’t know how loud those crackers are to eat, let me paint you a little picture: I spent the entire one-and-a-half hours slowly sucking on individual Sakata crackers until they were soft enough to eat without making too much noise.
That’s how loud they are.
Why do people actively try to make life harder for themselves?
Pho is, without a doubt, the messiest meal to bring into a dark theatre. Just the thought of trying to carefully slurp the noodles without spilling the entire bowl of scorching liquid onto my crotch is giving my hives hives.
There’s also a time and place for slurping. In a restaurant that serves pho? Slurp away son, that’s what we all came here to do. Slurping during a movie? World wars have started for less.
The person who did bring it in seemed to do a solid job though, but that also raises the question: how many times have they done this?
Bringing a sandwich to the movies isn’t the problem here, it’s the contents of that sandwich.
Chicken/veggies/literally anything that’s not fish is acceptable. Tuna is not. I had the misfortune of sitting very close to someone going ham on a tuna sandwich and it was incredibly distracting.
If I wanted to smell fish I’d just go to my usual spot under the pier where I scream into the abyss.
There is, of course, ways around eating whatever you want without copping the judgemental glare of people around you.
The solution: drive-ins. Conveniently for you, the Disney+ Drive-In is making its way across the east coast (currently setting up shop in Melbs), and to prove just how much we don’t care what you eat in the privacy of your own car, DoorDash has been nice enough to deliver whatever you want from the menu, straight to your car door.
Want to eat a roast chicken in the driver’s seat while you watch Edward Scissorhands? Go right ahead.
Just download the app, suss out what you want to cram in your gob (the weirder the better), and you’re golden.Image: Hot Shots 2: Chicken Arrow