If you’re anything like me when it comes to trying to impress your mates with a gorgeous cheese board or grazing platter, it always somehow looks less like the drool-worthy pics on Instagram and more like someone’s taken half a deli and kicked it across the kitchen and onto a plate.

Thankfully, someone’s bloody thought to help those of us out who are more on the ‘reality’ end than ‘expectation’ and has created an Instagram account that actually teaches you how to get an end product that makes you want to take a billion photos.

Cheese By Numbers starts off with the finished product and then goes into a step-by-step guide on how to create a stunning centrepiece of fromage and charcuterie. It’s like the old paint-by-numbers sets you’d get as a kid, but…cheese.

God I want to eat this right now.

Look at THIS! How do they make everything look so pretty? It’s almost too nice to eat???

The handy-dandy account is run by Marissa Mullen, who also owns That Cheese Plate; a New York City-based company that runs cheese plate-creating workshops, and “is your go-to source for cheese plate inspiration.

Apart from giving you a step-by-step guide to cramming as much snacky goodness onto a plate, board, or tray as you can, Cheese By Numbers also keeps a big trove of ‘cheese maps’, which help you understand the importance of balancing things out when it comes to cheese and other accoutrements.

cheese plate
(Image: Cheese By Numbers.)

Anyway, less faff, more drooling over cheese board dreams.

They even take requests, like how to actually fold things like deli cuts without them looking like a pile of meat garbage.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve tried to make salami and or prosciutto look semi-nice for me to entirely give up and just roll it into little tubes that look like something fit for a 70s dinner party than Sunday arvo wines.

And if you’re vegan or eating lactose makes your butt want to fall out entirely (it’s okay, it happens!) Cheese By Numbers have a couple of vegan cheese boards for you to craft for you or your non-dairy mates.

I dunno about you but here’s my weekend project sorted.

Image: Getty Images / Natasha Breen