I have only ever eaten Ristorante pizzas at house parties. Which means I’ve only ever eaten them when I’ve been wildly drunk and would think a soggy piece of bread was a taste sensation.
But I have heard they are the frozen pizza of choice for many people who have a penchant for instant dinners/the metabolism to eat pizza every night of the week without feeling like their body is decomposing from within.
I needed to know – which Ristorante pizza was superior? If I am hosting a house party and want to treat my sloshed guests to some pizza treaties, which ones are right for my sweeties?
So I bought every single fucking one I could find at my local supermarket. Ate a bit of each. And determined the correct order. Here it is. No arguments.
7. Speciale
Speciale is awful. You would think the combination of ham, pepperoni, mushies and mozzarella would make for a delicious treat, but the reality is the tomato sauce base is insanely sweet. Like concerned-about-tooth-enamel sweet. Did not enjoy.
6. Hawaii
Now, Hawaiian pizza is a favourite of mine. But this one fell flat for the same reason Speciale did – the base sauce was so, so sugary. At this point (I did actually try Speciale and Hawaii one after the other) I thought maybe all Ristorante pizzas had this sugary base, and I just never noticed because I was fucked whenever I ate them.
5. Pepperoni
Again, we have the sugary sauce. WHY! WHY DO ME LIKE THIS RISTORANTE. But surprisingly, it works when your only topping is spicy meat.
4. Funghi
I was expecting this to be disgusting, I mean look at it. But actually, it was a delicious treat. Almost a bit truffley, but like a pov version.
3. Mozzarella
Now here’s a curve ball – I thought I’d adore this Ristorante. What’s not to love! Basil! Cherry tomatoes! Mozzarella cheese! But the basil overpowered everything in it’s sight. It tasted like eating one large jar of pesto.
2. Spinaci
On the flip side, I thought I’d hate this one – look at it! It looks like someone who has been EATING too much pizza did a huge bog on it. But it was a taste sensation – garlicky, rich deliciousness.
1. Quattro Formaggi
But none could hold a candle to this bad boy. Quattro Formaggi, I would eat you on purpose – not at a house party, not because I have $10 to my name before pay day. I would legitimately buy this bitch of my own free will. It’s a delicious blend of cheeses (what cheeses, I didn’t bother to check) and honestly tastes like a Margherita pizza from a mom & pop italian joint. 10/10.
Pro tip – my colleague Kassia told me the best way to cook these babies is to put them on a grill tray, without foil. I fucked it for the first lot, but that final Quattro Formaggi was EXTRA PRIMO with a crispy crust and base because I used her trick for it. FYI for anyone feeling like some Ristorante anytime soon.
