I Ate Four Packets Of Pods In 20 Mins To Once-And-For-All Determine The Superior Flavour

When you ask someone who the greatest rappers of all time are, most people are going to list the OGs. These are safe answers as their music has already stood the test of time and remained popular throughout multiple generations. Biggie, Tupac and Wu Tang Clan will be common responses. Most people are quite reluctant to suggest a newbie like Drake or Pitbull as the rap game GOATs in fear of looking silly. Sure, their music is popular today but they could drop a stinker of an album tomorrow and lose their rep. (Note at the time of publishing: This already happened to Drake since I wrote this, although I’m still confident it won’t happen to Pitbull.)

Yikes.

The same goes for confectionery. What are the greatest choc snacks of all time? As a snacking stoner, I get asked and ask this often. Common answers include OG’s like Mars Bar (been around since 1923), Snickers (1930), Cadbury Dairy Milk Bar (1905), KitKat (1935) and Maltesers (1936). These are the big boys of the confectionery game, have been around longer than your nan and still slap as hard as ever (like your nan). Therefore, they are hard to compete with for that coveted GOAT chocolate spot. Remember, Mars Bars even survived the great PR nightmare of a nationwide recall after a poison threat in 2005, I doubt Moro could have said the same if it were them.

Pods aren’t an OG, in fact in comparison to your usual confectionery aisle suspects, they are practically the new kid on the block. However, when it comes to an OG status, they are the exception to the rule. Pods in fact are: Kendrick Lamar (hear me out). Young but an all timer, fresh but an instant classic, new on the scene but undeniably beast. And ever since 2004 (The debut year of both Lamar AND Pods), the OG’s of the rap and the chocolate game *respectively* have been lining down the street, waiting and desperate to collaborate with the hot fresh young talent. 

  • In 2004 Pods were invented (Fun fact: in Ballarat)
  • In 2004 at the age of 16, Kendrick Lamar released his first full length project.

Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.

Mars Bar, Snickers and Twix (1967) have been frequent collaborators with Pods just like Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre and Jay-Z have been with Kendrick. They do this to a) appeal to a younger audience and b) stay relevant today. And can I just say, it works a treat (literally).

Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre and Jay-Z

Pods and Kendrick also have been known to spread their wings and collaborate with OG’s of different genres, however these features have unfortunately been met with lesser critical acclaim. We appreciate the experimentation but with it comes risk that doesn’t always pay off. 

U2, Taylor Swift and Robin Thicke.

For this reason, Honeycomb bites, Mint Slice and Cookies & Cream Pods have been discontinued and are no longer available today. To quote Dr Dre in Lamar’s ‘To Pimp A Butterfly’ opening track ‘Wesley’s Theory’ “Anyone can get it, the hard part is keeping it, mother fucker“. To which the above three proved unsuccessful in doing.

So this leads me to the question which is the GOAT Pod flavour? The GOAT of the GOAT? I ranked them in the hopes of finding out.

I walked to Woolies where I was able to purchase Mars, Snickers and newly released S’mores. However Twix was no where to be seen. I went to SIX different stores around Sydney’s inner west area, called multiple 7/11’s no success. They were sold out everywhere. I have suspicions that Twix Pods have been discontinued since Pods’ sexy new look packaging upgrade of 2020 (my theories on why later).

I finally found Twix Pods on one of the “Couch Food” Uber Eats things in a far away suburb, $12 for the Pods, another $6 for delivery. Worth it if it’s the last packet of Twix Pods i’ll ever get the chance to consume. With the Twix Pods delivered safely (shout out’s for Lewis the delivery driver), I was ready to rank Pod flavours. Peep below Twix Pods are the only one not in sexy new look packaging.

*Disclaimer* I smoked a fat doobie before I did this so I could really focus on the Pods. However, I burnt the shit out of my tongue on said doobie in the process, so my sense of taste was slightly compromised.

3. Snickers Pods

Snickers are the Snoop Dogg of the choc game. Like Snoop Dogg, Snickers are no stranger to collaboration. They’ll feature on a track/snack with anyone if the money is right. They just show up where the cheque is at and don’t mind losing a little of their prestige in the process.

Just like in the song Institutionalized (Kendrick feat. Snoop) this collaboration has done more favours for Snickers than Pods. My main issue with Snickers Pods is that Snickers main selling point (like all men) is that they have nuts. Unfortunately, Snickers Pods contain no actual nuts, they only contain peanut butter or “Snickers cream” according to the ingredients. Seems a bit lazy, like a Snoop collab sometimes can be. The peanut butter isn’t too overwhelming which is good and I will certainly eat these with pleasure if the other flavours aren’t around, but I feel like they aren’t trying hard enough to take out the top spot.

2. S’Mores Pods

These have only been on shelves for the better part of a week, so they stand a chance of ending up in the archives where Honeycomb Bites, Mint Slice and Cookies & Cream are locked up. However, I am pleasantly surprised. The best way to describe S’mores Pods is if Kendrick and Nicki Minaj had a song together. Instant Pod choc hit we have come to love with added pink filling and zany flavour that only Nicki can provide.

These Pods are sweeeeeet as and the sugar hits you right away so I would say less is S’more (my room mate came up with that one). S’mores are more of an American thing, so to describe the taste of these Pods to fellow Aussies I’d say they’re a bit like an Iced Vovo Pod. Pretty damn good, but not unbeatable by…

1. Twix & Mars Pods

Before you get mad, I want you to know, this is no tie. I’ve uncovered something much more dark and sinister in my journey of ranking and researching Pods.

Let’s get this out of the way, Twix and Mars are the best Pod flavours. They are FUCKING DELICIOUS and there is no way around it. I’ll compare Dr Dre to Mars here because he too has fought his way out of some pretty disastrous PR nightmares. But most importantly, Dr Dre produces exquisite beats that are the heart of the songs him and Kendrick collaborate on, just like Mars produces the caramel which I would say is the heart of the Pod. Mars Pods taste as smooth as aptly named Kendrick/ Dr Dre collab ‘The Recipe‘.

So let’s look at Twix, the Jay-Z of this over cooked analogy. I prefer a Twix bar to a Mars Bar. I like the biscuit base (not sure how to relate this back to Jay-Z), however this is not incorporated into the Pod. So what is? Just the caramel – just like the Mars Pod. So after reading the ingredients on the back of both the packets, I discovered that the ingredients are EXACTLY the same, so are the percentages of the ingredients!!!! Twix and Mars are all but cut from the same cloth, or you could even say two peas in a POD (thanks).

The people are catching on.

I didn’t want to believe it at first. So my room mates gave me a Twix and a Mars Pod blindfolded after I insisted I could tell the difference – I couldn’t. Therefore I cannot rank one above the other.

So, by the time you get to Twix, it’s excellent yes, perhaps even better than the Mars Pod – but you’ve tasted it before. Just like the Jay-Z and Kendrick collab ‘Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe Remix‘. It’s excellent, but even when it was new – it wasn’t.

This brings me back to my theory on Twix being discontinued. People are catching on to the similarities and one of the flavours has to walk the plank. It didn’t matter who. Mars is a beast of a brand which is why I guess they have defeated Twix in a fight to the death, in fact, I’m drinking tea from this mug right now.

King.

Therefore, winner by default:

Mars Pods

Afterword: I ate four packets of Pods literally in 20 mins last night and woke up with a fat face of acne today with a healthy dash of depression. Do not try this at home. Xx

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