There are not many brave enough to admit it, but it’s a truth in many a soul. Arnott’s Family Assorted is the superior large biscuit pack in Australia – yes, superior not just to the Classics pack, but to Assorted Creams.

I know not everyone will agree with me on this. There are some die-hard Creams lovers out there, and they will flat-out refuse to accept a selections offering with no cream-filled biscuit. But I think many people aren’t using the deeper recesses of their brains when considering this.

I’ve been using the deep recesses of my brain though, and even bought a packet to really get across the various reasons why the Arnott’s Family Assorted is the superior large biscuit pack.

I’m nothing if not dedicated to my art

Here’s what I’ve deduced.

1. There Are 7 Options

Classics? Only six. Assorted Creams? A measly five. But with the Family Assorted you get SEVEN kinds of biscuit to choose from.

I know I know I know – some of you are screaming at your phone “BUT THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME!!” No. They aren’t. That’s for another dot point, let me continue ok? I have the microphone.

If we’re going by sheer options, Family Assorted wins hands down. Seven varieties of biscuit! All your moods are accounted for here. When I’m depressed I eat all the Butternut Snaps. When I’m feeling good, it’s time for a Nice. Enraged? Welcome, Chocolate Ripple. Anxious? I’ll take all 11 Milk Arrowroots, thanks.

2. You Can Eat Half The Pack And Not Feel Unwell

Because the Family pack is all plain (but not tasteless!) biscuit and no heavy creams, you can eat around 20 without feeling unwell. I am currently putting this into practice – as of writing this I’ve eaten 2 Milk Arrowroots, 4 Milk Coffees, all the Butternut Snaps, a Bear and a Nice. Do I feel anxious? Yes! I always feel anxious! Do I feel sick? Hell no.

Now, some of you might say it’s about quality, not quantity. But I would like to counter that argument with “go hard or go home”. What are you going to do, sit down and eat one cream biscuit? Pssssht. What kind of life is that! Break out of that mould! Free yourself from the constraints of society and fucking GORGE YOURSELF on 15 of those fuckers, friend!

3. Every Single One Goes Great With A Cuppa

There is simply no point to biscuits besides being a vehicle for putting your tea/coffee into your mouth, but with added sugar and granular texture. I have never once eaten a biscuit just for the sake of it, it’s always in conjunction with a cuppa. That is the Australian way. You are a fucking psychopath if you just eat biccies on their own.

Some creams go well with a tea. Monte Carlos, for example. Kingstons.

But can you imagine dipping an ORANGE CREAM into your tea? Fucking revolting. What about a Delta Cream? What the fuck would that be like? Absolute garbage food, that’s what.

There is not one biscuit of the SEVEN in a Family Assorted that doesn’t go down swimmingly dipped into your English Breakfast. Not one. They are all perfect.

4. Family Assorted Houses The Two Best Arnott’s Biccies

This is hyper-controversial, but my favourite Arnott’s biscuits have to be Milk Coffee and Milk Arrowroot.

The Family Assorted? Has both.

Why are these biccies so good? They’re just a perfect dipping biscuit. They are delicious enough to add to your 3pm cuppa, without overpowering it entirely. You can eat like 40 of them without feeling unwell. Also, Milk Arrowroots with butter on them are a fucking nostalgia DREAM.

I’m not saying Creams are disgusting, I love me a Monte Carlo and a Kingston. But I’d pass them up for my Arrowroots and Milk Coffees.

5. Family Assorted Has The Bear

The Bear biccie was everyone’s favourite as a kid, when you would push through all the old biddies at the Church morning tea and swipe six biscuits in a row from under their noses. It was a) shaped like a bear and b) tastes like honey. What’s not to love here.

I personally love all occasions where I can fondly harken back to my childhood days to escape the bitter pain of being an adult. So why wouldn’t I choose the pack that includes the most nostalgic of biscuits?

Anyway I am open to opposing opinions (no I’m not) but in the meantime I’m off to eat the rest of the Milk Coffees.