America Is Now Home To A 99-Can Slab Of Beer Which Feels Like A Challenge TBH

Ever gone to a bottle shop and wondered why you can’t purchase a three-week supply of froth dogs in one hit? Ever looked mournfully at a 30 pack of VB tins and thought to yourself “not enough”? Ever pined for a world where one item purchase could fuel an entire weekend away with the boys? Turns out such a world exists, it’s called the United States, where they apparently now have a 99-can slab of beer available for purchase. Sweet merciful crap.

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Already a veritable paradise for lovers of an ice cold Froth Whitlam – what with the ability to walk into almost any convenience store at 3 in the morning and buy a 6-pack of heavy IPAs for around $10 and all – the Land of the Free/Home of the Brave appears to have fully outdone themselves this time around thanks to inarguably the best “basic” beer the country has to offer/fiscally efficient choice of champions Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Social media is awash with photos of the frankly magnificent beast: A singular box containing 99 cans of PBR, 33 of the gold standard white label, 33 cans of the PBR Easy (which is a lighter, mid-strength lager), and 33 cans of PBR Extra (which, by all accounts, is just regular old PBR with the ABV cranked up to 6.5%).

Look upon their works, ye mighty, and despair, for you are way the fuck over here in this pisshole of a hemisphere.

Images: Facebook / MGM Wine & Spirits Mankato

IT’S A TWO-PERSON CARRY, for fuck’s sake. What foul God have we beseeched to be stuck in a country where packs are capped at the coward’s 30?

Somehow, remarkably, it all gets better: Reports suggest that the clearly heavenly slab will only set you back USD$59.99, or about AUD$88.32, which is criminal. Criminal shit. Outlaw it altogether unless I am able to leave the office here in Australia tonight and buy one to take home.

Funnily enough, the 99-can slab appears to be a Canadian invention, in a real turn up for the books. Only now are they permeating the border and heading into their spiritual, excessive home.

Those of you who happen to be traversing the States at the moment though might be in for a bit of a hunt. At the moment, reports suggest that the 99-can slab has only been spotted in limited numbers around the northern, border-adjacent states of Minnesota and North Dakota, and understandably they’ve been flying off the shelves tout suite.

Still, 99 cans. In the one box. Ready to take home. You absolutely love to bloody see it.

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