Let's address the very large elephant in the room immediately: Pamela Anderson and Julian Assange are dating.

It's not "confirmed", in the sense that neither of them have explicitly said "yes we are dating", but Anderson has been snapped making frequent trips to the Ecuadorian Embassy in London where Assange is currently holed up like a rat in a wall cavity avoiding a fire poker. She has been photographed bringing in books, food, clothes, and all sorts of other related paraphernalia. She enters the building, stays a considerable amount of time, and leaves. They are bonking, they are absolutely, unquestionably rooting in there.

Now then, onto the rest of this incredible yarn.

Not only is Anderson gleefully leaking Assange's nerdish dick from his secured pants, she's also apparently hatching a plan to spring him from his luxurious self-imposed prison.

Anderson, who lives in her adopted home of France these days, is opening up a vegan restaurant in the south of the country called La Table du Marche, alongside chef Christophe Leroy. The catch is it's only going to be open for a grand total of 50 days, but it is offering something Anderson describes as "a dream come true," and "festive, glamorous, and vegan."

That's not the surprising bit; Pam's been a life-long animal rights activist and supporter of vegan organisations the world over.

Where things do get strange is in a subsequent posting on her website where she muses that the restaurant itself may hold the key to finally releasing him after five years of "confinement" in the Embassy.

Anderson, after referring to Assange's political espionage and struggles against various powerful Governments "sexy," made an appeal to new French President Emmanuel Macron in a blog posting on her website, hinting that vegan food and her restaurant in the south of the country could provide the diplomatic location necessary to negotiate asylum in France.

"I am reaching out to Emmanuel Macron, and to his wife Brigitte Trogneux. As a resident of France, my adopted home, I would like to meet with you and discuss Julian's situation. I am opening a new vegan restaurant in France in July, and I would like to extend my invitation to the new President and his First Lady. Join me on the day I open the doors, and we will sit and eat good food and discuss what can be done for Julian. France could display its strength, and so could you, if you give Julian asylum."

She also appealed to Jeremy Corbyn, the absolute boy, President Donald Trump, and China to assist in the immediate release of Assange. But it was the French proposal that she leaned hardest into.

Whether or not international diplomacy can be swayed by tofu and mock meat is - quite obviously - yet to be determined.

For what it's worth, Anderson concludes the blog posting with a reprinting of William Ernest Henley's famous poem 'Invictus,' before she signs off with "I love you."

They are absolutely boning so much.

Source: Pamela Anderson Foundation.
Photo: Tony Barson/Getty.