BACHELORETTE DRAMA: We Have Thoughts On 2016's Rose-Starved Punny Fellas
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PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELORETTE AUSTRALIA: Former 'Bachelor' heartbreak victim-cum-precious tropical unicorn Sam Frost navigated the perils of international models and self-styled soccer stars who were really just real estate agents to not only land herself a chisel-jaw'd ledge in Sasha Mielczarek, but a plum gig hosting breakfast FM radio alongside Rove McManus. In the great reality TV show pokie machine, that's like hitting the feature on your first spin.
Now, a whole new batch of love-starved fools have lined up to run their blokey, largely emotion-less personalities through the ultimate Feelings Contest™ in the hopes of winning the hand of Georgia Love, a TV journalist previously based in Tasmania (aka God's country) who gave her plum media industry job in the hopes of scoring a beau and a slightly better plum media industry job. The system works!
AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
We are officially back with a brand spanking new season of 'The Bachelorette Australia'! And in record time, we are quickly dropped straight back in to old familiar turf.
Namely, the 'Bold & The Beautiful'-style pensive stares.
The emotions. THE EMOTIONS.
Georgia (who is ostensibly a giant dork with an inexplicable habit of accidentally using double entendre, which should immediately calm any fears you might have had about her and replace them with floating hearts above your head that rise into the atmosphere and disappear) just wants to find find a nice bloke to love, having spent the past few years in Hobart working as a TV news journalist.
Tonight's first episode, like all debut episodes of 'Bachelor'/'Bachelorette,' is all about first impressions. And boy howdy do a few of our boys make some absolute hum dingers.
There's Lee, the almighty pun king, whose commitment to a bit is so untouchably fierce that he brings in Eeyore for a goddamned one line gag.
Let's just hope "cultural appropriation" isn't on Georgia's list of immediate deal-breakers.
And lord, speaking of deal-breakers, meet Sam.
A man so utterly convinced he was going to wind up in bed with Georgia literally that night that I'd bet at least $5 that he was already tarped up.
Sam rocks up to Georgia with a series of what he believes to be softball either/or questions - pithy shit like "cats or dogs?" "pineapple on a pizza?" etc - and whiffs so spectacularly badly that it completely changes his mindset. He goes from "filthy for a root" to "maybe I love her?" in world record time. He even gets existential, so bafflingly confused is he about this real-life human being who is so diametrically the opposite of the puddle-depth personality he channels his dick through.
Earth, dickhead. Where people have cats and hate pineapple on pizza and such. He tries it twice and comes up with a total record of about 1-7. And that's just the stuff that actually made the air. Lord knows what kind of Barry Horowitz-like losing streak he really ran. Old mate put up such a historic brick that by all rights it should wind up on ESPN.
But realistically, the entire episode is a tale of two halves. Or rather, two bracelets. One from Courtney, who leads off with a monologue so well rehearsed that he could (and probably should) take it on the road. And one from Carlos, who I'm convinced if he was separated from his wallet for any great length of time, he would stop breathing.
Courtney gives Georgia a bracelet, hand-made from pasta, in a reference to the first time he ever showed a girl that he liked them all the way back in Grade 2. It's sweet. It's charming. It's downright bloody nice.
Carlos, on the other hand, pulls out a bracelet from Tiffany's, and proceeds to spend the rest of the evening talking about how much money he has and how he's a STRIPPER but he's not gonna STRIP OFF his clothes here tonight because he's a good STRIPPER and he doesn't STRIP for free and his rig is perfect for STRIPPING and he's very comfortable STRIPPING just as he's comfortable not STRIPPING and he's not here to impress Georgia with his body which he uses for STRIPPING.
So imagine his *absolute shock* when Georgia decides that it's Courtney who gets the highly coveted FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE (a bright orange flower that, much to my shock, does not grant him the ability to wear white overalls and shoot fireballs at Goombas) and Carlos gets sent the fuck home.
But oh, no. It's because it takes a "strong, confident" woman to be with a man like Carlos, right?
Well done Channel Ten. You put one non-white bloke on the show and he's the deadset worst. That's almost impressive.
But nonetheless, with two whittled down already, we now have our Bachelorette Class of 2016. Join me, as I go through the list and make unreasonable knee-jerk reactions about them all!
Bromance with Rhys aside, he's seemingly trying extraordinarily hard to be the jokester of the class, which does not bode well for his longevity in the competition. Particularly when he's getting fundamental nerd-references so woefully wrong.
ONE STAR WAR PLEASE.
A beautiful ball of hyperactive energy with two gorgeous dogs and a sick-ass low-rider who should be allowed to stay on the show long after he gets eliminated just so he can react to things in the background, hype-man style.
Also if he dyed his hair black I'd be 100% sure he could blow shit up with his mind.
Handsome firefighting Disney fan with eyes so blue they should've been in an Eiffel 65 song and a name reserved purely for hilarious legends. Put him through to the final three right here and now. An absolute no brainer.
CARLOS SPICYWEINER (ELIMINATED)
So thunderously insecure that he probably watched last night's episode back and believed he came across quite well.
My friend I assure you, you did not.
"I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION."
Sir, you are WEARING that suit. A handsome fool who now wields unimaginable power thanks to the golden envelope reefed from betwixt Osher's stately buttocks. All shall kneel.
Australian media law dictates that no man named "Dale" will ever win anything from a TV show. Sorry, bloke. Them's the rules.
This is not an indoctrination into La Cosa Nostra, son. Any part of your suit can be any colour other than black. Regardless, one of the few who sent Georgia's heart immediately a-flutter. One of the favourites.
Giving further weight to my theory from last year that any man wearing a blue crushed velvet jacket is completely uneliminatable. It's a thing!
The bastard child of Paul Gallen and a cast-iron kettle.
Could well have thought this was actually 'Survivor Australia,' and thus stuck to the tried and true tactic of staying under the radar on Day 1. Outwit, outplay, out-thirst.
Interrupted a conversation between Aaron and Georgia, sat down, talked mostly to Aaron, spent the rest of the episode either whinging about how Georgia didn't come back for him, or doing what he calls "yoga" but what I call "half-assed breakdancing." He's going to be a peculiar nuisance.
Also, never trust anyone who describes themselves as an "entrepreneur." Much like "freelance," in 90% of cases it's the word you use when you're too proud to say "on the dole."
If Heath Ledger were a fully evolved Pokemon, this bloke is the egg it initially hatched from. Throw a bunch of candy at him and he'll evolve into Damon Merriman. And then John Safran after that. And then finally Ledger. Gotta catch 'em all.
Here's a dealbreaker question for you. What would you prefer: A smack in the face with a rusty shovel, or this douche canoe? Here's to his fabulous new home at the bottom of the bin, please and thank you.
I dub thee "Sir Not Appearing In This Episode."
And there you have it, folks. The cast of 'The Bachelorette Australia' for 2016. A whiter loaf of bread there ne'er has been.
At the very least, we've hit the ground running this season without that bullshit "Bro Code" crap the boys from last year tried to pull on us. So it's gonna get interesting quick.
Strap yourselves in, folks. It's gonna be a wild ride.
Photos/GIFs: The Bachelorette/Channel Ten.