A Tribute To All The Things You Learnt From Dolly Doctor As A Horny Tween
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Today we learnt that, after 46 years on news stands, iconic Aussie magazine Dolly is shutting up shop.
It's tragic news and it immediately transported us back to our days as toey prepubescents.
If you were anything like me, your relationship with Dolly went a little like this: it's a hot summer day after school, and you're at Woolies with mum.
As she rummages through the fresh food section, you sneak around to the lolly aisle to fetch yourself a pack of Furry Friends. Sitting conveniently next to the choccies are the magazines, and there's Hillary Duff smiling back at you from the cover of Dolly magazine.
Naturally, you pick up the glossy and beg to be allowed to take it home. Your mum agrees, because Lizzie McGuire is a wholesome-looking girl who could surely not corrupt your barely-pubescent mind.
Little did your Mum know, you wanted Dolly for one reason, and one reason alone: to read Dolly Doctor.
After dinner you'd rabbit down the corridor to your room and slowly rip open, perforation by perforation, that deliciously salacious sealed section. If you were a particularly anxious preteen, you'd be adept at simultaneously coughing to disguise the recognisable tearing sound.
tfw u read the first page and it is gobbie question-heavy
Inside was everything you could ever want to know about stuff. From sex positions to STIs, dingers to discharge, Dolly Doctor had all the facts delivered with not a hint of judgement. Did we mention they wrote a lot about discharge? So so so much information on discharge.
Consider this one final shout out to that stalwart of our youth: a small compilation of the greatest, most brutally teenage questions ever asked of Dolly Doctor, MD.
THE TEEN SIGNING OFF IN THE MOST TEEN WAY: WITH THEIR CURRENT EMOTIONAL STATE
Q. I really like chunky black shoes, striped socks up to your knees, and big shorts, but when I wear them to school, people laugh and start teasing me. I really hate this, so I usually end up wearing ordinary clothes that I don’t like very much. How can I stop them teasing me? Upset.A. Can you help it if you’re a trendsetter? You can’t stop people being narrow-minded and petty, so if they really are getting too much for you, consider these options. Assert yourself – let them know you’re an individual, not a sheep. Or simply admit it’s too much to cope with at school on top of your studies and just dress like the sheep. Maybe it’s best to strike a balance between what you love wearing and “normal” clothes. For example, wear your shoes and socks with a skirt, instead of your shorts. Meanwhile, try hanging around with people at school who aren’t afraid to be themselves.
RHETORICAL QUESTION: IF YOUR SEALED SECTION DOESN'T MENTION CRABS, IS IT EVEN A REAL SEALED SECTION?
Q. I have a really embarrassing problem – I have crabs. When I am in the company of my girlfriends and I start to scratch it gets embarrassing. But I can’t help it as I get very itchy. What can I do to get rid of the crabs?A. Crabs, also known as pubic lice, are the size of a pin-head and cling to pubic hair and sometimes chest and underarm hair. These grey lice can be passed from one person to another through close physical contact such as sex or by sharing bed linen or clothing. Although they aren’t dangerous they can cause itching which may result in a red rash. Treatment is simple. Lotions can be bought from your local chemist. The bottle will contain instructions on use. Your partner and other people in the house should also be treated. Clothing and bed linen should be washed in hot water at the time of treatment and again one week later. If the itching persists after the treatment there may be another problem, so you should visit a doctor. If the crabs were caught sexually you should be checked for other possible sexually transmitted diseases, especially if a condom wasn’t used.
THE "SO YOU HAVE YOUR COUSINS, THEN YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST COUSINS" QUESTION
Q. Is it wrong to be in love with your first cousin? I’m 18 and I’m attracted to my cousin, who is six years older than me, and I don’t know what to do about it. Would it be considered incest if I married him and had his children? Could you tell me if people ever marry their cousins?A. Yes, marriage between cousins does happen and it’s quite legal. The other good news is that you wouldn’t be committing incest if you married your cousin. Incest is generally defined as sex occurring between an adult member and an under-age member of the same family, where the adult is taking advantage of the child. You and your cousin certainly don’t fit into that category! If you have any legal questions, they can be answered by the chamber magistrate at your local courthouse.
THE I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THIS ONE BECAUSE POOR THING QUESTION
Q. I’m 14 and I have a rather embarrassing problem. Every time I laugh I wet my pants. I put my jumper around my waist to hide it, but it smells.A. This is called stress incontinence. You should also notice it when you cough, sneeze or exercise. It’s unusual in a girl your age, and suggests a problem with the shape of your bladder. The most effective way of fixing it is an operation, but it would have to be very severe to justify that. There are several things you can do to help yourself. Try to keep your bladder empty. Go to the toilet whenever you can. When you do, sit a few minutes longer and try to go again (this is called double voiding). Wear a mini-pad or panty-liner to avoid the embarrassment of wet clothes. You should also do pelvic muscle exercises, to tighten the muscles that close off your bladder. At least 200 times a day (!!), slowly squeeze, as if trying to stop the flow of urine, and then let the muscles go. You can do these exercises anywhere – on the bus, watching TV – and no one will know.
WE GOTTA SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BAD ASS OVER HERRRRRRE
Q. I am 16 and go out a lot at night. As a result I don’t get much sleep, so have started to take “No Doze” tablets to help me stay awake during the day. Are these tablets dangerous, and is it possible to still drink alcohol whilst taking them?A. Anybody taking nerve stimulating pills to keep awake during the day due to stupidity in having successive late nights needs their brain examined. Be sensible. Wake up to yourself. Growing teenagers need eight hours sleep every night to assure continued good health and normal development. You can fool yourself but you cannot fool nature. Do not take daytime nerve stimulants, and certainly do not take alcohol with any form of medication, doctor orders or otherwise. The combinations are bad, bad news.
AND FINALLY, THE QUESTION AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF
Q. I have sex regularly and often get embarrassed about oral sex. Can you tell me what I should do when the guy ejaculates? Should I swallow the semen or spit it out? If I swallow it, what happens to it? Confused.A. There are no rules about what to do. You can spit the semen out if you don’t like to swallow it – that’s your choice. You can swallow it if you want to. Semen contains sugar and secretions designed to nourish the sperm (up to 5 per cent of semen ejaculated is sperm), and it definitely can’t harm you. If you choose to swallow it, it simply goes into your stomach and is digested along with other food. Some guys are turned on by having the semen swallowed – maybe you could ask your boyfriend, if you don’t care either way.
Oooomph, the memories.
Just last week we wrote about new research that suggested the advice given in Dolly Doctor was the most factually accurate of any women's health title in 'Straya, so the death of this iconic mag is particularly upsetting.
Scouring Dolly for the sexy stuff is rite of passage the next generation will most tragically go without, all the while thinking that white stuff in their undies means they're gonna, like, die.