This time last week we met the first 10 housemates in the premiere episode of Big Brother Australia 2012, and during the week others were inducted into the BB house's multi-coloured pastel walls. I haven't been religiously keeping with the weeknight episodes in order to approach tonight's "Live Secret Reveal" ep with a fresh perspective - but mainly because the weeknight episodes are unbearably boring. Tonight the housemates secrets get revealed. Can't wait to find out which one has bird phobia! Let's dive in...

6:31pm: Big Brother is announcing to the house that the females have been trying to weasel information out of the males in order to determine which "secret" belongs to which housemate. Sonia Kruger walks on stage in another aluminium foil resembling item of clothing. She has bright yellow nail varnish on. THAT SCHTICK BELONGS TO SEAL ON 'THE VOICE'. I'm furious...

6:35pm: We're reflecting on a few moments throughout the week. It was Bradley's 14th birthday and he revealed to law student Estelle (who describes herself as "street") that he thinks she's great. Then "professional model" Ryan cut Brad's grass and macked on with Estelle under the covers. Nice one Ryan. And one Bradley's birthday? Dick.

6:38pm: We are about to learn which male housemate has the "IQ Of A Genius". My little sister knows Michael and suggested it was possibly him.

6:39pm: It is!! MICHAEL IS A FREAKING GENIUS.

6:40pm: He has an IQ of 136. He says he isn't a genius and it's just a measurement, but I don't know mate. Have you ever met a dude with an 11 inch penis who says "it's just a measurement"?

6:45pm: The next secret to be revealed is who has [whatever the official terminology for 'Bird Phobia' is]. Whoever it is has the condition as the RESULT OF AN EMU ATTACK. My kingdom for video footage of that presumably hilarious and terrifying moment.

6:47pm: The girls thought it was Josh and it's an incorrect guess. Josh's abs are not covered tonight. He's also wearing leggings. Just FYI.

6:48pm: They have another guess and the girls pick Ray. Incorrect again. They have another try and they guess Bradley. Bradley shamefully says "Yes". You can really picture pale skinny Brad getting smashed by an emu. Apparently the emu attacked him "on the thumb". WTF? A thumb attack was all it took to swear him off birds for life? To be fair, I'm with him. What other animals can attack from land, water and sky? I'll accept suggestions in the comment section.

6:54pm: The next secret to be revealed: this housemate "Hasn't Had A Girlfriend Since I Was 11". I'm guessing it's the gay one? The girls pick professional male model and serial grass-cutter Ryan though... And they're correct! "Is it because he's a slut?", wonders my boyfriend.

6:59pm: The girls correctly guess that Ray is housemate who was a "Juvenile Offender". Classic story of a juvey deliquent really - He fell in with the wrong kids at school and went on a bit of a klepto spree and was busted by the fuzz. Is now a vet who looks like Guy Pearce. Way to go, system!

7:06pm: The next secret is "I Have Dated More Than 100 Women". The females pick George but it's not him. I'm pretty sure it's the surfer bro... but maybe it's the gay guy who was trying to figure out his gayness by trying to find the right girl? Nope - it's Josh the surfy. Can't help but wonder if "dated" means "did it with"...

7:13pm: This episode is really boring.

7:16pm: Next up: Who Is A Multimillionaire? It's obviously George, the mining town tradey, but those idiotic girls pick Benjamin, who has been fired from every job he's ever had. George announces that he is the multimillionaire der. He has more than one house and loves his family. Aw! Form an orderly straight line, ladies. The female housemates have failed the challenge and are now up for elimination. Now it's up to Australia to decide which one they hate the most. Tough times ahead!