It's the first Live Eviction Show for Big Brother Australia 2012 and after a week of having barely watched a second of the program since the launch episode I'm ready to hanker down with a glass of wine and see which one of these scum bags is getting ousted first...

6:32pm: Sonia Kruger has emerged in a pale yellow mini dress that her figure looks amazing in, its effect is slightly diminished by the stupid necklace she has paired it with. Those up for eviction this evening are buxom Gold Coast cabaret performer Charne, skateboarding law student Estelle and the show's Manchester expat Layla.

6:35pm: Male model Ryan and Estelle have been falling in love with each other this week. The only week. This love affair has mainly involved a lot of staring into each other's eyes and macking on in the spa. "The feelings are strong there, Big Brother", Ryan tells the faceless house psychologist and relationship advisor (who must spend a lot of time peeing his pants laughing off the mic).

6:38pm: Last night the housemates had some kind of prom type party and looked at some of Ryan's shirtless work as a model while he talks them through each "look". He has a sense of humour about it thank christ. "That's my mum's favourite shot", he says of one black and white.

6:41pm: Multimillionaire mining town tradey George and Layla have also been hooking in this week. Poor giant Zoe also has the hots for George so she's a bit :(

6:46pm: Voting lines have closed. I've just learned from Sonia that the reason for all the Ryan hullabaloo last night was because it was his birthday. In the aftermath of the George and Layla pash session there is talk about how Layla totally cut Zoe's grass who claimed the hots for him first. This is the kind of vanilla-grade tension that the Big Brother house thrives on!

6:49pm: I almost forgot that the male housemates have been trying to figure out which secret belongs to which female contestant. The guys are being hopeless idiots by asking them directly whether or not they were "a hand model?" or "an emo?" which is against the rules, specifically set by BB. The dudes are going to be in so much trouble - possibly get punished with a week of just rice or something.

6:53pm: Now Big Brother is reading out all the examples of when the male housemates cocked up and as a punishment he has taken away their "first life" (basically one of their free guesses).

6:55pm: First up is the secret "I Have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and George guesses that it's Charne. Correct. Next up is Ray who correctly picks Stacey as "a former hand model". The girl DOES have nice lean fingers. I predicted both those outcomes last week because I'm the best.

6:56pm: Estelle confirms that she is "a high school drop out". Next the guys have to pick who has been "a nude protester" and correctly pick Sarah. I'm kind of excited that I guessed four out of four correctly. I'm kind of bummed out that that made me excited.

7:05pm: Zoe is the one who used to be an emo! I didn't guess that so my quest for being the world's smuggest person in my living room won't come to fruition. She describes to Big Brother that she was into "Emo bands, feeling sorry for herself and wearing skin tight jeans" until she decided to move on. So did the entire movement. But there's no reason to be ashamed. In retrospect I admire the emo's dedication to hair straightening. And there's nothing wrong with a striped t-shirt. Or Dashboard Confessional.

7:10pm: The dudes can't afford another incorrect guess right now, otherwise they'll be up for eviction. They pick Angie as a descendant of royalty, but they've got it wrong - it's Layla. Angie is obviously a former weightlifting champion! She was an Australian finalist in competitive weightlifting and could lift more than her bodyweight over her head. Respect sister! Harder to believe is that Layla is royalty??

7:15pm: So now it's time to evict. Sonia announces that "It's time to go... Charne." "I could've told you that", my boyfriend says, clearly unimpressed. She was the least hot out of the three of them (let's be honest), and didn't have a pash-related story arc like the other two. The other housemates are chanting supportively in the garden as Charne gets taken away on the back of a golf buggy. At this point it has struck me I should probably watch more regularly so I have at least a vague sense of connection to these people.

7:22pm: Charne joins Sonia on stage for the last time we'll ever see her on national television.

7:25pm: Okay, Charne just described her place of work, Dracula's theatre restaurant on the Gold Coast, as "a wonderful company". I have to go there as soon as possible... They sing and dance to show horror-themed show tunes while serving diners your usual a la carte fare. I imagine there is a song about "stakes" to sing while serving "steaks". Like I said: someone take me there yesterday.

7:33pm: Charne tells Sonia some of the things she missed most about being in the house was singing and dancing. Based on the footage I've caught, it looks like singing and dancing comprises about 75 per cent of the daily activities. She says the worst thing about being in the house is the boredom. Well I'm bored as heck RIGHT NOW so I can relate.

7:36pm: Charne waves goodbye and Sonia signs off. That's it for tonight dudes. Till the next eviction show...